دار محمد Daar Muhammed

Evading parental responsibility was technically unheard of in Banu Hashim and Banu Muttalib, still the life of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم carries lessons for single mothers amidst their diverse struggles. It shows how first, by Allah’s Taufeeq (grant of opportunity) to your child and secondly, by surrounding the child with the right mindset and the right circle of people, your child will join, in sha Allah, the ranks of ulama, righteous, scientists, authors, thinkers and other profound men and women who were raised by single mothers. In short, in the heavens, things work differently. Against this, Mama, the defeatist attitudes projected onto you are insignificant. So do you part, and watch the Lord of your child do the rest.

Still, I understand your knees feel very weak. You came this far shielding your child from every direction and working hard to provide her the life she deserves. You played mama, and you played dada and covered every base possible. However, as she grows older, the child grows curious. It starts off with random questions, which are clear indications of what they are leading to. It is not, Mama, the time now for hiding the truth. As much as it breaks your heart to have to convey and explain the truth that has hurt you so much now to your child, there are reasons why you need to go through this that Ar Rahman has not shown you yet. These questions from your little one show that she is intellectually able to grasp what you now need to say. What she rightfully deserves to know. Failing in giving the child closure in this while being the child’s primary caregiver will be cutting short the child’s rights. You did this well this far, and in sha Allah, you will do great in opening this subject to your child as well. And believe it or not, the truth will set your child free— a freedom that will benefit your child greatly.

Tackling the Situation with Patience and Wisdom

Below, I’ve noted down some tips that a mother of a child whose father has evaded his parental duties can use to speak to her child about the subject. How to go about this is not a one-size-fits-all method; you need to see what fits best with your child and her personality.

Simple Answers to Simple Questions

A child’s thoughts are simpler than ours. Thus, it is important to answer accordingly. Loading your answer with the intricacies of events and people will not help most of the time. The child is looking for clarity to make up their mind, so make sure you give her what she needs to do so. The child is thirsty for the truth with a head full of questions, so it is important to keep our emotions away and put ourselves in our child’s shoes. Currently, it is the urgent need for a clear answer. The priority now is to settle that need.

These are some pointers to keep in mind to be adapted and used to suit the child’s personality:

The Muslim Family Structure

This structure can vary due to various consequences. You can give your child examples of how this can be. “Sometimes mama and dada see it better to stay separately. So they separate so that everything can be ok. In some families, the dada works abroad, so the kids live with only their mama. Some kids live with their grandparents because their mama is very unwell… There are many ways and many family styles. Different circumstances necessitate the different styles, and as long as there is love and respect, the situation is ok”. This will help the child to understand on their own that different types of arrangements exist in the real world.

Going further with this new information, the child will realise a different style of family structure is not something to fixate on but something that needs to be accepted, appreciated, and used to further herself in life. It is not the end but the means towards what Allah has kept for her. You can tell her about the life of the Prophet (sal), whose example will suffice all other examples. You can explain to her how with love from his grandpa and then his uncle, with Allah’s Supreme Protection above all, Baby Muhammed grew into a fine young man صلى الله عليه وسلم. A different structure is not something Allah kept for our lives to be hindered, but instead, He kept within it gifts that we are yet to find and share with the world.

“You are precious and free of blame”

Explain to your child that she has no responsibility in the separation between you and her father and in anything that may have followed after it. Explain to her how precious she is and what a gift she is. Tell her about how her birth brought so much joy. Tell her about the funny things she did as a baby and how she made everyone around to laugh. Through sharing these truths, you are subconsciously making the child draw a line of distinction between her parents’ situation with each other and her very existence. Children are self-referential, meaning they direct everything back to themselves. So, they associate a parent’s absence to being their fault. Thus, it is important to frequently remind her that she has nothing to do with the separation.

Get to the facts, and do not appear angry

Remember that your pain is not the child’s to carry. As much as the hurt in your heart is still fresh and completely justified, leave your quest for justice between you and Allah. That is sufficient for you, and the facts of the timeline are enough for the child. So while the question about why dada is not there is a sure one, you can ‘adjust’ your answer in a way that you avoid speaking bad about him while at the same time, satisfying your child’s curiosity. They connect dots easier than you would imagine.

Communicating the truth

At the same time, the truth that has deeply impacted the child’s life to the child needs to be conveyed to her in an age-appropriate manner. Building up false hope needs to be avoided at all costs. Lying to ‘ease’ it on the child will only create bigger problems later on. Again, this is to be done by steering the conversation in a way that you lift the child up and beyond any mess of the situation into a place of security and love. You can say occasionally in between and periodically through the days whenever the conversation is brought up, “I don’t know where dad is, but one thing is sure, I am right here for you.”

The purpose behind ‘introducing’ the absent father to the child as you speak and explain to her once she nears the age of taklif (discrimination) is big and broad. The purpose behind firmly establishing the child’s lineage in her mind is to uphold the command of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. We can not exhaust the wisdom of Islam in its laws and stipulations, yet the benefits are clear to see. By clarifying to the child her paternal bloodline, we do away with the evils that can potentially happen to herself and society at large if this aspect of her biological relationships is not clarified. This hadeeth bears the seriousness of this topic:

فقد روى البخاري ومسلم عن سعد بن أبي وقاص ـ رضي الله عنه: أنه سمع النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول: من ادعى إلى غير أبيه وهو يعلم أنه غير أبيه فالجنة عليه حرام.
وروى البخاري ومسلم أيضاً من حديث أبي ذر أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: ليس من رجل ادعى لغير أبيه وهو يعلمه إلا كفر، ومن ادعى قوما ليس له فيهم نسب فليتبوأ مقعده من النار.

Said ibn Abi Waqqas narrates that he heard the Prophet (sal) saying: “Who claims his lineage to other than his father while he knows that he is not his father, Paradise will be haram (prohibited) for him”.

In another hadeeth: “Any person who claims his lineage to other than his father while he knows it, has disbelieved”.

Bukhari and Muslim

Make space for her feelings

A child’s judgements are simple. If dada’s not there, it is either her fault, or it means he doesn’t care. Since you have done away with the first, the child may find closure in the second: he does not care. So be ready for feelings of resentment and even anger and hurt. Be right there to validate your child’s feelings and to offer support. This is crucial for the child at this point. One reason why speaking ill of the father is to be avoided is because a child sees herself through her parents. It will take time and age for her to separate herself and etch an identity for herself. Until then, help her tread through gently. Not speaking ill of the father outright will help here all the while acknowledging that his abandonment of her and his behaviour towards her is not justified.

Identify father figures in the child’s life

Allow healthy interactions with grandparents, uncles, older cousins, teachers, and coaches, who can teach her a point or two about life or exchange ideas and viewpoints. They can all fill in to help the child, especially if it’s a boy, to have the ‘macho talks’ and discussions he wants to have that you as a mama can not fully give. So, make space and time to give the child enough opportunity for positive interactions in daily life. Family events, Quran circles, and skill development classes are a few examples. This point is witnessed over and over through our history. Mostly by orphanhood, yet lessons to be learnt from many scholars, for example, of what can come through fruitful interactions of the child with trusted elders and the learnered.

Keep the door open

This is another reason to avoid speaking ill of the father of the child. While the time missed while young cannot be made up, equip you child with pointers from the life of the Prophet (sal) if she was ever to give her dad a chance when she becomes an adult. The Prophet’s (sal) manner of dealing with different people shows how a Muslim can balance between protecting himself from harm and manipulation while avoiding a complete door shut on others, especially family members. Remember, like you had a journey and continue to have one through abuse and abandonment, with the child’s father, your child, being his child too, has to go on her own journey too. However, Alhamdulillah it is a different, much more regulated one since you took your step of separating from the incurable abusive environment. While you may have been ‘thrown’ into this environment and had to scuffle your way out, your child has a safe base— YOU— from which she views the steps of her journey. This makes the difference. It is important to remain the ‘calmer’ parent so that the child will naturally gravitate towards you and continue to see you as their ‘base’.

Conclusion: Taking control of what you can control

Execute your duties in the best way you can. This is not a one-time ‘lecture’ to your child that will set everything right then and there. It is, rather, an ongoing process where your line of thought should be stable enough so that you communicate a constant message of reassurance, trust, and well-being to your child. Don’t beat yourself over an occasional slip— learn from it and continue strong. Your child will appreciate your strength, hopefulness, and resilience more than anything adopting them herself to raise her own ranks with Allah.

How you convey your message needs to suit the child’s personality and her age. It needs to be conveyed in a way that will best benefit her and not leave her hanging. To leave a child guessing, whether in this topic or any other topic that is important to them, is a horrible thing to do as a parent or teacher. “That is none of your business” is a detrimental way of going about this topic.

This is a heavy task, so remember to be gentle on yourself. To have to explain the absence of one of the most basic relationships in the child’s life to the child, a father-child relationship, is not an easy task, so go slow on yourself. Plan ahead, answer all her questions as best as you can, and be sincere in your words. Try to answer all her questions to the fullest without giving her the impression that you are trying to hide anything. If she taps on anything too sensitive for her age, redirect her ask with hikmah (wisdom) to what is more age-appropriate instead of shutting her down completely.

Your child will benefit from your humanness and can learn lessons from that for her own life. All you need is to put out your best. Thereafter trust Allah in the remaining part. Do not forget, in the heaviness of it all, that Allah’s Hand is over all hands.