دار محمد Daar Muhammed

This article is about the purposeful misdiagnosis and unnecessary medication of healthy members in a family institution by its head figures for various motives like for control, convenience, or personal gain. This sinister move is often carried out strategically over a long period of time. What makes it extremely difficult for the victim to snap out of this situation is the misuse of sacred Islamic tradition to further the abuser’s goals. The abuser’s intention here is to turn their target into being passive and compliant, having given up any active role in their own lives. One type of this abuse is the Munchausen syndrome by proxy. However, its varying forms may not be scientifically researched yet. If you have experienced this yourself, dear reader, I hope the words below will help you make sense of your experiences and help heal the deep and lingering feeling of betrayal you have long held.

Medicating the healthy. Or convincing them that there is something clincially wrong with them while there is absolutely nothing. The bubbly, active, motivated, and beautiful beings amongst us. To convince them that they are sick, that there is something wrong with them and that they are not normal. To whisper these enough to them that they ultimately break character, ‘realise’ their illness and allow themselves to be thrust into a cycle of drugs, treatments, and medical consultations. Soon, the dynamic human being we once knew is turned into a muted, soulless, and dependent being that can not function without the storm of medications and treatments infused into a body that once was perfect as it was.

Sounds evil? Sounds like something only the devils and jinn would do? Well, it happens more than we think. How is a victim brought to experience this level of demonic work? This level of manipulation? This is, unfortunately, another type of abuse. A sly kind (which type of is not anyway?) that unlike more obvious forms of abuse, this type slips through the radar without much trouble. It is often enforced by those in authority and happens more often in family systems. Due to the proximity of those administering this type of abuse and the emotional and biological bonds between the abused and the abuser, it leaves a significant impact of hurt and heartbreak on the victim. An overbearing elder, parent, spouse, or sibling can use a claim of illness to gain influence over the victim’s actions and their decisions in a way that they will not have otherwise. Some of these techniques are named and specified, like the Munchausen syndrome by proxy, while many remain unspecified or even un-researched.

How can one protect oneself from falling into “the trap”? I may be repeating myself here, but like many other situations, it is knowledge and a good standing of what is norm and what is not. What is healthy and what is not. What requires medicine and what does not. Keep reading if this is something you have seen and been affected by, in your immediate surroundings, or even from a safe distance.

How Does It Happen? Defining the Behaviour

This phenomena where a healthy person is made to believe they are ill, can happen in various forms, such as;

• Exaggerating a mild sickness the victim may have
• Coming up with new unrelated diagnoses; misdiagnosis
• Using a medical condition that the victim has as a leverage for manipulation
• Pressuring the victim to consume drugs they do not need in order to create dependence on the abuser or for convenience
• Working together with medical professionals to legitimize their claims of illness or with scholars to enforce and subjugate the victim using religious rules

Power, Manipulation, and Control— the Psychology Behind the Abuse

Gaslighting

There are key psychological mechanisms at play here. The first and main one is gaslighting the victim. This is a step that the abuser takes in order to bring on the rest of their strategy. Gaslighting is to make the victim question their own reality.  Often, in such situations, the victim is from the few in the family who can “see through” the general family dysfunctions. What the abuser aims at is to destroy this ability the victim very obviously has by creating doubts in the victim’s mind, asking questions that indirectly distort reality to the victim and insisting to the victim that they are ‘thinking wrongly’ or ‘taking it in the wrong way’. This may not create a big enough impact in one go. However, this is strategy, remember? The abuser works consistently in measured steps, using their power, influence, and authority in the family to slowly shift the victim’s mindset. Over time, the abuser has the situation manipulated to work to their convenience and to serve their interests. A trained eye can spot the pattern this strategy creates. However, the victim who is usually trusting, younger, and meek will find it very hard to think beyond simply coping with each day. The immense pressure in these situations adds to the victim’s confusion.

Creating Dependency

This form of abuse is usually carried out by either exaggerating symptoms of any illness the victim is experiencing right now or by inventing a condition that is non-existent. In the process of this, the victim is made voiceless by being presented as unstable and ‘out-of-order’. Apart from the medication already underway, is active gaslighting as aforementioned that manipulates the victim to question her own reality and perception. She is fed with ‘points’ that fill her with doubt about her own reality. This is done with force and persistence, leaving no room for negotiation in her own ‘treatment’ process. The words and gestures of the controlling parent or elder convince the victim that they are not in a position to make any reasonable or rational decision for themselves. This makes the victim eternally dependent on the abusing elder.

Taking Advantage of Vulnerabilities

“She has always been a bit sensitive, hasn’t she?”— the abusers leverage their knowledge of the victim’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities to create a pretext for the new illness they have crafted for her. The abusers in this situation have usually played key roles in the childhood of the victim which gives them in-depth knowledge to use the finer details and weak points of the victim for their ongoing diagnosis of a novel illness. Besides helping them with this sinister goal, preying on the victim’s vulnerabilities also help them be absolved of any shortcomings on their part that may have led the victim to have these weaknesses or traits in the first place.

The Impact

Once a victim is designated as “ill”, there is a lot of power and autonomy stripped away from them. They will soon find it difficult to independently handle even simple situations, feel powerless, and find it hard to trust their own judgements. Slowly, they feel so crippled that they can not find the strength they need to make their own decisions, so they depend on others deciding for them instead. It becomes so that they live their lives, but others run it. Their self-esteem has now reached close to zero.

Speaking of self-esteem, the victim suffers long-term psychological damage due to being made to believe that they are ill. Their self-worth is toyed with as they are talked into believing that their mental state is unstable. They see the world pass by them while they are caged in their “illness”. This situation often leads the victim to resort to isolating themselves, which creates a barrier to receiving the support they need while at the same time reinforcing the abuser’s continued control.

Some of the impact of such abuse is short-term, while some others are longer. First comes the stage of realisation where the victim computes that 2+2=4. Then comes shock, which can feel even worse than the original abuse itself. Many days and nights are passed coming to terms with the truth that has just been realised. It is crucial for the victim to gain strength with Allah to stand ground at this juncture. Learning about themselves, their strengths, and their talents. Learning of normal family dynamics, which they may have hardly ever experienced, knowing they exist and having a clear idea of what they look like. To compare and understand how their reality was different. Understanding this and grasping how far those in power and authority can go if they are of abusive nature, to hurt those in their care without a shred of remorse. Catharsis with Allah is the greatest helper in this stage of shock and disbelief. For the victim to pour their heart out in front of Him, Almighty, and gain strength from disclosing their pain to Him, Most Compassionate, in this critical time will help them come out of this stage with strength, stability and clarity of the status quo.

Next comes the stage of overexplaining, trying to talk sense to the abuser, and making every effort in getting a sorry or at least a shred of regret. This is an exhaustive stage that drains the victim. As the victim hits dead end after dead end, they reach the next stage which is the one of letting go. This is one of the more liberating stages where the victim actively looks for a purpose bigger than the abuser’s apology and sees beyond them and their manipulative ways— to reach somewhere better and more worthy of all the treasures they carry. To reach any stage is a victory, and the victim needs to keep pushing themselves, with consistent patience and prayer, to reach a position of independence, clarity, and strength for themselves.

Consequences

This type of abuse leaves emotional and psychological impacts on the victim.

• Being forced to take medicine can make a victim feel powerless 
• Slowly, as the belief of illness becomes stabilised in the mind of the victim, it can leave a long-lasting psychological impact, making the victim question their self-worth
• The abuse leaves long-term emotional consequences, creating a battleground of conflicting emotions within the victim, causing the mental health of the victim to go down due to its impacts in various ways
• Due to the new label of being “ill” and the stigma attached to the illness, the victim withdraws and isolates themselves more and more each day. This creates a vaccuum of external support, which makes way for the abuser to increase and reinforce their control.

Using Religion— The Spiritual Abuse Factor

Abusers look for something robust to use to prop up their façade of ‘care and concern’ and provide their claim of the victim’s sickness its legitimacy. They find the easiest and the most convenient tool to use in this situation: Islam. With all its robustness, the abuser finds it the easiest tool in his toolbox to use to guilt-trip the victim into obedience. This is done by misusing Islamic principles of respect to elders, honouring parents, being humble, and being open to learning and accepting the truth. These lofty principles are manipulated in various way to subjugate the victim and make them ‘make sense’ of the techniques being played out by the abuser— only that there is no actual sense truly being made. To fight this requires a solid knowledge of Islamic principles, which, in most instances, due to the young age of the victims or due to being deprived of true Islamic education, is not carried by the victim.

One Step Further

Medical Power of Attorney – when a victim is considered ill and incapable, the abuser can take it a step further using legal means to establish their incapacity due to the new “illness”, thereby gaining control over their medical decisions through legal ways. This could either be by full guardianship or power of attorney, both of which further their control over their victim. Now, the control is not just in medical decisions but could also cover financial decisions on behalf of the victim. In such situations, the responsibility of guardianship is used to serve the abuser either for convenience or personal gain.

Healing Your Way Through

Your healing needs to begin as soon as possible if not begun already. The dangers of such abuse can not be overstated. If not handled swiftly and correctly, it can leave its impact on the victim for a very long time. One of the ways this abuse can play out later in the life of the victim is through poor self-esteem, chronic hopelessness and even Munchausen syndrome (imposed on self) which is to do the very same actions of the abuser but now on one’s own self by means of creating or exaggerating the symptoms of an illness one does not have. You deserve better, O believer.  

It helps, in the road to recovery from this abuse, to know that the journey can be complex and challenging and requires quick action in some steps while others be taken gradually.

Attend to Your Health Concerns

The unnecessary medical treatments can take a toll on the victim’s physical health as well as psychological health. The abused individual in this situation needs to look for proper medical care, consulting medical professionals and therapists as needed because some of the consequences of this abuse can be long-lasting, needing to be treated and monitored.

Take Cover

The very first and immediate step one needs to take, when the reality of the situation is realised, is to protect oneself by any means possible from being sucked in— from being medicated and most importantly, being manipulated into being medicated for no good reason. This step may differ in form depending on the individual situation, and it also demands a lot of mental strength to stand firmly against the abuse and harm. One must, in this juncture, derive strength in patience and prayer and fervently make dua for clarity and steadfastness. This steadfastness will help find ways to stand firm against the abuser’s notion that the medication is “petty and nothing serious”.

Look for the Non-Abusive and Kind Slaves of Allah

Aren’t there many. Look for them. This is to heal your heart and rebuild trust. Emotional scars caused by manipulation, coercion, and isolation very often can leave a profound impact that requires a gradual process of rebuilding trust from scratch. Understanding, warm, and accepting company can provide a means of healing and regaining trust. The ability to trust others is huge in the life of a human being. In order to grow and thrive hereon, one must find one’s crowd, rebuild this damaged ability to go ahead, feel safe, and trust others.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a man says the people are ruined, he is the most ruined among them.”

— Muslim, 2623

Build a Safe Village for Yourself

Speaking of feeling safe, one must create a network where one feels safe. An environment of safety and community with whom you feel rested and normal with— in whose company you do not automatically go into fight-or-flight mode. One thing victims of abuse overwhelmingly feel after the period of abuse is a disconnect from their peers, friends, and well-wishers. Building support groups or collaborating with others on mutual interests help bring back a feeling of security and support.

Be Patient and Persevere

Recovery is an ongoing battle, far from being straightforward or linear. Some days will be better than others. On some days, you will feel strong and resolute, while on the others, the flashbacks will weigh you down heavily. But it is a necessary battle to fight O believer. So whichever day you are in, patiently persevere. Take each step with Allah in your heart, and for each pang of sadness you feel, look for reward for it with Allah. Navigate through the confusion such abuse brings with lots of dua. Be conscious of your thoughts and restructure the defeatist ones that may pass through your mind, with thoughts that reflect the Kindness and Mercy of your Lord. Always bear in mind, whichever day you may be in, that no pain is in vain and every sigh and tear is a small part of a grander Divine Plan for you. Fill your heart with hope in that, for Allah will never let down a trusting slave.

The manipulation and forced medication of individuals can have devastating physical, emotional, and psychological consequences. This is a covert form of abuse wrapped in the disguise of concern and care that strategically strips the victim from autonomy, independence, and self-worth. The abuser’s use of gaslighting and religious manipulation further entrap the victim, making it very difficult for them to escape the cycle of dependence. However, with ilm (true knowledge), iman (faith), sabr (patience), and thabath and istiqamah (steadfastness), the victim can slowly regain control, and a grip of normalcy in everyday life. It is required to be self-aware, look out for a safe environment and good company, and most importantly, strengthen one’s relationship with Allah. A strong and renewed iman and a deep connection with Allah Subhanah is the starting point and the best foundation for a new life– to emerge stronger, wiser, and free from the abuser.