دار محمد Daar Muhammed

Attachment Theory says a baby’s first bond wires her for love or fear– full stop. But Revelation says even the most broken wiring can be rewired with faith, purpose, and a Bond that never breaks. What if your deepest wound was actually your invitation to the strongest connection of all?

When Theory Stops at the Cradle

In the 1950s John Bowly developed a theory that would take the field of child psychology by a storm impacting various areas of study; from therapy models and parenting styles to education, leadership, workplace dynamics, and even AI-human interaction. The theory asserts that an infant’s bond with her primary caregivers –something she is biologically wired to seek out– shapes the child’s social and emotional development. These early bonds define what her future relationships, mental health, and emotional patterns will look like throughout her lifetime. They form a mental blueprint –an internal working model– of how relationships function.

“All of us, from cradle to grave, are happiest when life is organised as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures”

–John Bowlby, 1969/1982

We owe Bowlby’s for his insight; he named a wound many could finally describe. Yet, something that stops at the cradle can not guide the immortal soul. While Bowlby’s work is widely validated, it remains incomplete in several important ways:

• It overemphasizes early determinism and underplays the soul’s lifelong capacity to change. Note: dynamic human plasticity.
• It overlooks the spiritual dimension
• It has little to say to the adult who looks back on a childhood of neglect or abuse and asks: “What now?”

It seems to convey: You are the sum of your first relationships and that is it. But really, is that all? Does a human being’s ability to trust, regulate, and thrive depend solely on what happened (or didn’t happen) in their early years? Is my story fixed? Will I forever live out the scripts written by someone else?

Most importantly, what happens when the deepest attachment isn’t to a human being, but to the Divine?

Bowlby and his proponents were coherent on the innateness of the need of human beings for connection, beginning from very early in life. This need, when fulfilled properly, leads man to stability, and the quality of this attachment forms the blueprint for future relationships. This struck a chord with me. Because as a Muslim, there is more than one thing from my faith that I believe is innate. This is the bond with the Creator, Allah, the Most High. 

The Missing Axis: Fitrah and the Bond with Allah

While human relationships are vital as per the Quran and the Sunnah, they are not the ultimate foundation. While the infant’s primary caregiver, typically the mother, is an integral source of safety and comfort, she is not the point of origination. The hierarchy of attachment in Islam can be explained by the concept of Fitrah where the deepest and most enduring attachment of man, from the beginning of his existence, is to Allah, the Ever-Living, Most High. Inside every soul lies a pre-programmed recognition of its Creator-fitrah. Parents are vital, but they are conduits, not endpoints. While Bowlby’s lens stops at the conduit, Islam asks, “What about the Source?”

While Bowlby’s theory offers useful pointers an insights into child development and optimal child-rearing, it seriously overlooks the all-encompassing bond of the human being with Ar Rahman, reducing man’s emotional regulation to simplistically attaching it to the fragile and fluctuating nature of the human caregivers around him. This overlooks the eternal, unchanging influence of the Almighty.

What I am thinking of right now is of the many children who did not have a consistent experience of security. Or even children who were thrust into the bellies of danger and uncertainty. Does Bowlby’s theory and findings determine everything after, and till the end? Is that it? What if the stage of prime attachment for an individual was nothing but disastrous? Is there no second chance? Are we like machines hardwired to be just one fixed thing? Or can we use this pain to mould something unbreakable, a fortified bond with the Almighty? To rise from the broken pieces, to reach this station, is it even possible? Bowlby’s theory, intentionally or unintentionally, carries a streak of hopelessness for those who fought through difficult childhoods. Its deterministic nature overlooks the nature of the soul and the plasticity man is bestowed with to live his life.

We are profound souls, our ability to heal throbbing with life. Beyond the psychological rigidity and deterministic quality of the Attachment Model and its similar is: the truth of Mercy and Healing from above.

And human agency and free will.

How easily man forgets this in his pain.

From Rupture to Re-Wiring

According to the Attachment Theory, early relational patterns, especially with primary caregivers, form internal working models: beliefs about the self (“Am I lovable?”) and others (“Can I trust people?”), often shaping future social behaviours. While this has some truth acceptable in its own scope, it is time to redeem its consequences. It is time to take control of one’s own narrative. To transform that pain into something beautiful: closeness and a special place by the Most Gracious.

A broken start is not a life sentence. There is so much more you hold.

عَنْ أَبِي ذَرٍّ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ مَنْ جَاءَ بِالْحَسَنَةِ فَلَهُ عَشْرُ أَمْثَالِهَا وَأَزِيدُ وَمَنْ جَاءَ بِالسَّيِّئَةِ فَجَزَاؤُهُ سَيِّئَةٌ مِثْلُهَا أَوْ أَغْفِرُ وَمَنْ تَقَرَّبَ مِنِّي شِبْرًا تَقَرَّبْتُ مِنْهُ ذِرَاعًا وَمَنْ تَقَرَّبَ مِنِّي ذِرَاعًا تَقَرَّبْتُ مِنْهُ بَاعًا وَمَنْ أَتَانِي يَمْشِي أَتَيْتُهُ هَرْوَلَةً وَمَنْ لَقِيَنِي بِقُرَابِ الْأَرْضِ خَطِيئَةً لَا يُشْرِكُ بِي شَيْئًا لَقِيتُهُ بِمِثْلِهَا مَغْفِرَةً

صحيح مسلم

In Hadeeth Qudsi, Allah Almighty says: Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me the by length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets Me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any partners with Me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.

—Muslim: 2687

While your template for love and connection may be fragmented, the agency to rewrite your story with Allah at its centre remains.

Whoever disbelieves in Taghut (all false gods) and believes in Allah, then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that will never break. And Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower.

(Al Baqarah:256)

When it comes to attachment, nothing outranks the bond with Allah, Ar Rahman (Most Gracious). It is as the Quran says, Al-‘urwathul Wuthqa (the trustworthy handhold) that can never snap. The power of Iman (Faith in Allah) in restoring a broken heart and guiding a lost soul can not be described. It repairs what neglect and abuse tore open and slips into the hollows others left and fills them with a certainty no human embrace can rival or replace. Iman, as this verse describes, does away with the fatalism that can stem from various theories of attachment. “If I didn’t get secure love early, I’m doomed to live in cycles of mistrust, fear, or unhealthy attachment.” Allah says: “Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running”. The recurring sense of hope conveyed in the verses of the Quran serves as a therapeutic balsam like no other. While healing will not be instant, the journey in process slowly sculpts and moulds the soul, turning raw pain into heights he never imagined for himself. Thus, Iman and the journey it leads to is not a consolation prize. They are the prize themselves!

History itself supplies the counter-example psychology forgot to test.

Proof in Prophethood: Prophet Ibrahim From Paternal Rejection to “Khaleelullah” (Close Friend of Allah)

The most striking is the story of Prophet Ibrahim that even when early bonds are severely ruptured or even abusive, there still remains an opportunity to transform one’s reality with Divine Attachment and devotion to truth. Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) is from the most honoured men in history. He was titled as “Friend of Allah” by Allah, Almighty Himself. His respect, obedience, and uprightness for the sake of Allah are from the highest. Yet, his earliest attachment figure –his father– was not a source of warmth and comfort. In fact, he was far from it. Aazar, Prophet Ibrahim’s father, was a source of harm, rejection, and debasement for his son.

Ibrahim, as eloquent as he was, used the most honourable addressing to his father throughout:

“O my father! Verily! There has come to me of knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me. I will guide you to a Straight Path.

“O my father! Worship not Shaitan (Satan). Verily! Shaitan (Satan) has been a rebel against the Most Beneficent (Allah).

Despite the morality and uprightness his son conveyed, all Aazar resorted to was being abusive:

He (the father) said: “Do you reject my gods, O Ibrahim (Abraham)? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely before I punish you.”

(Surah Maryam)

What would Bowlby’s model predict for a child whose father threatens to stone him for having upright and righteous thoughts and moral integrity? Surely, such a beginning would predict lifelong dysfunction, mistrust, or emotional dysregulation.

And yet…

“Verily Ibrahim (Abraham) was Al-Awwah (invoking Allah with humility, glorifying Him and remembering Him much), and forbearing.”
(Surah At-Tawbah 9:114)

Ibrahim turned out to be a man of gentleness and forbearance, religious uprightness and reflectiveness, frequently turning to Allah with longing. Owing to his connection with the Almighty, he did not turn out to be a hard and mistrusting man but rather an emotionally well-attuned individual, profoundly connected to his Creator. The psychological models at hand today would have predicted Ibrahim’s early life to be a set-up for emotional dysfunction. Yet the Revelation grounded his heart, and his attachment to Ar-Rahman built in him a goldmine of resilience, beauty, and truth.

What I am trying to point out here, dear reader, is that while the theories have been useful to further the study of child psychology and its mechanisms, yet, there is something beyond them that should not be overlooked. There are fronts man needs to purposefully venture to which when he does, he will realise that neglect or even abuse from an attachment figure, early or later in life, does not negate one’s worth or potential. The soul is anchored to Allah, subhanah. Hence, while trauma forecasted dysfunction, tawheed (belief in Allah, the One) delivers to us transcendence. This anchor is your greatest gift, one that we may, perhaps, not have thought of thoroughly as yet and whose treasures we are yet to discover.

Whoever goes in the right path, then he goes right only for the benefit of his ownself.

And whoever goes astray, then he goes astray to his own loss.

وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَىٰ ۗ وَمَا كُنَّا مُعَذِّبِينَ حَتَّىٰ نَبْعَثَ رَسُولًا

No one laden with burdens can bear another’s burden. And We never punish until We have sent a Messenger (to give warning).

(Surah Al-Isra)

Great Trials, Greater Rewards

Nothing cuts deeper than discovering that the very people meant to be your first refuge could not –or would not– keep you safe. For a human being, that deficit is enormous. Psychologists recognise it as the most biologically stressful start to life. The Qur’an and Sunnah recognise it as one of the greatest tests a soul can endure.

Islam pairs every crushing trial with an invitation to surpass ordinary rank:

قال رسول الله ﷺ:
«إنَّ عِظَمَ الجزاءِ مع عِظَمِ البلاءِ، وإنَّ اللهَ إذا أحبَّ قومًا ابتلاهم؛ فمَن رَضِي فله الرِّضا، ومَن سَخِط فله السُّخط»
“The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allah loves a people, He tests them. Whoever is content will earn His pleasure, and whoever resents it will earn His displeasure.”
— Tirmidhi: 2396

A single moment of sabr (steadfast patience) amid such a test is not ordinary patience. It is a step in the ladder of distinction and refinement before Allah. It can lift a wounded heart to stations that routine comfort can never reach. We need to understand that this perspective does not minimise the pain but rather, it magnifies the meaning:

• Your missing caregiver becomes the catalyst for an unrivalled nearness to the True Caregiver.
• Your early void, faced with patient faith, is transmuted into honour of the highest calibre.
• The trial itself carves the channels through which unimaginable mercy flows—“عِظَمَ الجزاء”, as the Prophet (sal) said: the greatest reward.

Grasping this truth is vital for it shifts the question from “Why me?” to “How do I walk through this so that the promise becomes mine?” And that new question is the first step toward reclaiming agency, choosing Divine Attachment, and turning a broken beginning into a launch-pad for excellence.

This reflection is not a dismissal of the value found in learning, healing, or forming meaningful human bonds. Rather, it is a call to recalibrate. Modern attachment theory has helped many name their wounds, but it often stops short of showing them the way out. What you may have missed in your pain is not just the possibility of repair, but the invitation to rise. This is not a rejection of relationships, but a reminder that there remains a greater, more enduring Attachment to be built: one that holds when others falter, and offers the softest landing when life is hardest.

This creates a transcendent hierarchy of attachment:

• Allah

• The Prophet ﷺ

• Parents

• Family

• Ummah (community)

• Friends and others

This hierarchy reorients emotional dependency from the fragile, fluctuating nature of human beings to the eternal, unchanging Mercy and Power of Allah. Again, your scars are not a life sentence. In fact, they are invitations to hold on to the Rope of Allah tighter, and perhaps those very wounds are where the noor (light) enters from. The believer’s ultimate safe haven is not a caregiver’s arms but sujood (prostration), dua (supplication), and tawakkul (trust in God). For man, while human relationships are vital, they are not the ultimate foundation. Instead, the deepest, most enduring attachment is to Allah (God), Al-Hayy (The Ever-Living), As-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master upon whom all depend).

So go for it, sister, brother.

لَا إِكْرَاهَ فِي الدِّينِ ۖ قَد تَّبَيَّنَ الرُّشْدُ مِنَ الْغَيِّ ۚ فَمَن يَكْفُرْ بِالطَّاغُوتِ وَيُؤْمِن بِاللَّهِ فَقَدِ اسْتَمْسَكَ بِالْعُرْوَةِ الْوُثْقَىٰ لَا انفِصَامَ لَهَا ۗ وَاللَّهُ سَمِيعٌ عَلِيمٌ

There is no compulsion in religion. Verily, the Right Path has become distinct from the wrong path. Whoever disbelieves in Taghut and believes in Allah, then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that will never break. And Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower.