Targets and goals. But none her own. A stranger to her own labour. In a race that never seems to stop, because the finishing line keeps moving.
Childhood and youth are times of skill-building, then identity building too. Where fitrah comes out to be refined, polished, and directed and when it begins to take various beautiful shapes and forms. These are times of accumulation. Where natural gifts are moulded into benefitting the child and her future, helping her see her path. For the child I am writing about today, however, the period of accumulation was different.
Children from dysfunctional family systems often use their natural abilities for eternally putting out the fires of others, all while overlooking the upkeep of their own territory; their life skills, interests, and the development of worthy goals to pursue.
Inescapable Ishtighal (Preoccupation)
For some, owning territory is a new concept altogether. Everything around them screams “urgent”, leaving no opportunity for their own growth and refinement. Educational goals, future plannings, travel preparation, career meetings, drop-offs at hobby clubs, and trials of high-level private lessons—of others. Fitness appointments, graduations and ceremonies, congratulatory celebrations and specialities—again, of others. These children keep jumping for the “emergencies”, one to another, depleting their strength in building the lives of others whilst destroying their own without choice.
“We need to have this done, get ready” is all that is needed to put the little one back on track of the rush she has known for a long time. Unsurprisingly, the idea of a unique standalone identity for such children is a luxury. Having a special interest in something worthy makes them feel selfish. Feeling a taste for a particular path –due to the silence it is met with– feels simply wrong. The crux of what this child is afforded is a group project of strategic advantage—only not of her own. She invests her best yet returns empty-handed every single time.
When she looks down into her cup, it is unsurprisingly empty. A child chased for her brilliance and “put to work”. Not in the form of familial assistance and support, but more of an almost predatory utilisation of the child’s brilliance. Her intelligence, focus, and energy are redirected away from her own formation to serve as the structural scaffolding for someone else’s life.
“Laughable” Goals: The Rigidity of the Illusion
There remains in the air an illusion, in such systems, of freedom to explore and the space to grow. The trusting little one here, due to proximity to this illusion, believes that it is something accessible. So she crafts herself something nice, of course proofing it to carry all the different adult emotions that surround her—only for it to dashed on her when she finally presents it. A roar of laughter and loud, strong criticism of how baseless her goals or interests are. Verbiage too advanced for her to challenge and body language from a crew of grownups from which she understands and quickly so— before it turns into a full-blown adult tantrum: wrap it up. Wrap your ideas up and throw them away. She follows her instincts but is left confused. Every time, she tries. For the freedom and opportunities are this close; she can see them and feel them; but no matter what she does, she can’t seem to secure a slice of them for herself. Her little heart cannot still fathom the rigidity of a system she trusts with all her heart which is ironically, set up to never, ever, reach her. It is only so much she can grieve for her discarded dreams before the next emergency signal sounds, and she needs to get to work.
Hijacked Fitrah: Understanding the Inner Workings of a Rushed Child
Every child is born with the natural pull; the natural disposition—the fitrah. To worship the One and lead life in accordance with His service. This fitrah needs to breathe and be allowed to flourish and be provided apt tools for refinement. A caregiver who imposes their own “rush” or chaos onto a child is essentially damaging this natural order. By not providing the space for the child to feel, think, and evaluate, the caregiver stunts the child’s fitra (natural innate inclination).
The natural disposition designed to seek the One True Lord is now being forced to serve the “emergencies” and “ambitions” of a human “lords” while her internal compass is demagnetized. Spiritually and psychologically, the child experiences exhaustion with very little left to propel her journey of Tawheed (complete belief in the Oneness of Allah’s Lordship). This is a violation of the soul’s purpose. The child must function here with the cognitive load of an adult to “safeguard ambitions,” while her own fitra (innate nature) remains starved.
Battery at Zero
Such a child has her battery at zero. As she reaches adulthood, grounds herself in True Knowledge, realises and questions the weight of what she used to carry, she becomes aware of the displacement and that the psychological structure she built for others offers her no shelter. It is unreasonable to expect yourself at this point to map out a grand plan of healing or to force yourself to follow it. Usually, realisation and growing awareness are followed by an extremely weighty “vacuum” of feeling “out of place”. This is a very profound exhaustion as a result of years and years of unpaid labour—emotional debt.
Remember, the very structure is lacking. While you strove for the structure of others, you did not lay but a few bricks for yourself. Hence, your identity as a whole is now falling apart. It must in order for a new one to take shape. It can, at the same time, be a terrifying experience. At this point of confusion, shock and grief are small but defining steps you can consider taking:
MAKING MICRO-NIYYATH
Small intentions and accomplishing them the best you can. This is by practicing tiny, un-rushed decisions that serve absolutely no one else but Allah which encapsulates the prime of healing that is returning to your purpose: worship of the One Lord and not of multiple false lords.
This could be dedicating yourself to a field of study that expands your horizons and sharpens your intellect, thereby taking full advantage of the unique gifts Allah placed within you. Or intentionally seeking out and gathering with like-minded souls, consciously anchoring yourself within a pious suhbah (companionship)—building the safe spiritual village you never so far got a chance at. It could mean re-establishing custody over how you present yourself to the world—deliberately choosing garments that honour your dignity and reflect His Blessings upon you, consciously discarding the shapeless utility that was handed down to you out of mere convenience. It is in the mundance of everyday, where your battle is won.
FROM BEING A REACTIVE OBJECT TO AN INTENTIONAL SUBJECT
Consciously choose to move in your day-to-day, from being a reactive object to an intentional subject, thereby restoring of the ability to choose an action for the sake of a higher purpose— rather than out of immediate fear. Gone are those days of living like a woundup toy. But to actualise this freedom and new realisation, you need to internalise it with a few changes. Possibly at moments, you will need to stop yourself from slipping and following the very same patterns of reactionary fear and numbness. This is like a muscle. It requires practice.
Take time in decision-making. Ask for time to think. Say more: I will get back to you on this. Step back and think over for yourself before giving your word. Hold fast to your foundational beliefs of Qadr (predestination) and that nothing that was written for you will ever miss you. Understand Allah’s timeline and how it is different from the rush of this world. Understand the Power He holds by observing the systems of the universe and that you are in His Care, none else. These choices, deliberately, every day, little by little, shift your engine from running on fear (khawf) to running on intention and purpose.
Understand what you lack: original experiences
Experiences help discover who you really are. They help collect raw data about yourself, and this is crucial at this point. To be free to fail, try hobbies that may not continue for long, and try something new. To simply allow yourself to explore this dunya and all “nice” things without any looming adult tantrum over your head or without it being a group project. This is adversarial growth 101; the discovery of freedom and agency—and the practice of both. This will eventually, in sha Allah, lead to the formation of a new, unenslaved identity founded on cherishing Allah’s Supreme Protection and Care, returning to Him for strength and submitting to His Will alone.
Upskill by consistently grounding knowledge
This is what helps you remain standing when the storm of mockery comes like a flood. As little as it may be acknowledged, your longstanding emotional generosity and presence fueled more than you know—or more than you were allowed to see. Realising the truth, trying to relieve yourself of a burden you have been carrying for so long, looking towards beautiful, new opportunities threaten the very core of the enslavement hierarchy. This is to an extent that remaining within, despite how repressing it is, is easier than trying to. These lords have taken up your life space that they never had a right to occupy. Your handhold here is: True Knowledge; Revealed Truth—and what a beautiful handhold it is! A handhold on freedom, tawheed, purpose, and refuge with the Almighty.
The turning point is when you look down at your empty hands in desperation oneday, and realise that for the first time in your life, you are free to choose, to do, to like, to wish, to live—even if that freedom needs to be earned. Remember, the purpose of this test is not to break you. It never was. But the final outcome surpasses all.
While you tread carefully, looking for remedies and carrying on the heartwork, it is important to bear in mind that to create a new familiar cannot happen overnight. Because reactivity was your survival baseline, your nervous system will mistake peace for danger. There will be days when an adult tantrum, a sharp look, or a sudden crisis will pull you straight back into old habits. You will drop your own territory and sprint to extinguish their fire.
Do not let this relapse convince you that you have failed. You are untangling years of systemic conditioning. When your hands shake and you feel the old urgency rising, pause and remind yourself of the profound words of the Prophet ﷺ:
وَإِنَّ لِنَفْسِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا
“Verily, your own self has rights over you“
Sunan Abu Dawud: 1369
Your soul needs to be nourished in a way that it can serve its Lord better. You are rewriting your soul’s orientation ever so beautifully. The struggle to earn your freedom is an act of ‘ ibadah (worship) that heavy scales of the Hereafter will carry in your name, in sha Allah.
Leave a Reply